The waiting is almost as bad and the enduring... Waiting for the police to wrap up this case and throw this guy in jail is tiring and my patience is thin as usual. I just want to get the call saying that he is behind bars so I can press charges.
I know that pressing charges will simply be the beginning of another phase of this ordeal but as each act comes to a close, I feel like it's closer to over. I also know, for the record, that OVER is a relative term.
But for now, I wait. I get a little sleep and I go about my days as usual. And I wait.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Key to Case Resolution
The key to solving your stalking case is PERSISTENCE. Your involvement is the only thing that guarantees movement, activity and eventually resolution.
If that means you have to call the detective assigned to your case once a week, like I did, then do it. Call for updates but don't complain. Offer any new information but resist the urge to play the role of investigator. Keep the calls short but consistent. And always ask if there's anything else you can do to keep things moving. It lets the authorities know that you are serious about your case and reinforces your concerns and maybe how fearful you are. And they will follow suit.
Don't sit back & wait in fear. Pick up the key to resolving your case and use it. Often. And soon, the door to your freedom will open up again.
2 weeks
Two call-less weeks have passed. 14 days without the phone ringing in the middle of the night. 336 hours free of any known contact with the stalker.
Is he still watching? Perhaps. Is there a chance he is still lurking around the corner. Of course. Anything's possible
But as of July 4th, 2008, the calls have stopped. And in just a little while, the lurking and watching will stop as well.
Monday, July 7, 2008
night
Once I am asleep, sleeping is easy. It's the falling that's hard. My mind races all the time and I can't seem to get it to slow down enough to dose off. Every little sound grabs my attention. After I've "gone to bed," I get up two or three times to turn the light on and walk the house. I check the doors to make sure they are locked. I look out to see if my car is there and if it's been vandalized. Again. You never know...
Most nights, I lie awake until close to 2 a.m. I "sleep" nearly fully clothed in case I have to jump out of bed and I wear my glasses so I can see. I clutch my phone to my chest and when I awake in the morning, after four or so hours of sleep, it is still in my hand.
One night, I was more tortured in my own head than by my stalker. I had to have someone sit beside me until I fell asleep. I slept for twelve hours that night.
I hate the night.
Most nights, I lie awake until close to 2 a.m. I "sleep" nearly fully clothed in case I have to jump out of bed and I wear my glasses so I can see. I clutch my phone to my chest and when I awake in the morning, after four or so hours of sleep, it is still in my hand.
One night, I was more tortured in my own head than by my stalker. I had to have someone sit beside me until I fell asleep. I slept for twelve hours that night.
I hate the night.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
breakthrough
Finally, a breakthrough! The police have received information leading them to this person who has been harassing me for five months. And I have spoken to a detective twice in one week. That must mean this case is moving along and, perhaps, coming to a close.
Theories abound regarding the who and why of this story. Stalker profiles have been tossed around. Lots of questions have been asked. All parties involved in the investigation seem to be pitching in and fulfilling responsibilities. At last!
All that said, relief is yet to be in sight. In fact, I wonder if I will ever be relieved. Or back to normal...
Theories abound regarding the who and why of this story. Stalker profiles have been tossed around. Lots of questions have been asked. All parties involved in the investigation seem to be pitching in and fulfilling responsibilities. At last!
All that said, relief is yet to be in sight. In fact, I wonder if I will ever be relieved. Or back to normal...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
He's Watching
So, when I travel he doesn't call. And sometimes, the phone rings just moments after I walk in the front door. He's obviously watching me. I think he has pushed me beyond scared and firmly into pissed off.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Ring
I can't stand the ring of my phone. No matter the hour of the day, that ring makes me jump. It is now synonymous with the harassing and disgusting phone calls from man in the middle of the night.
I can't stand the silence in the middle of the night when the phone does not ring. I lay awake in my bed, staring at the shadows, anxiously awaiting the ring. And it doesn't come. And my night has been wasted waiting. For nothing.
Sometimes I turn the ringer off but I am afraid of what comes next. I am afraid of the silence I have created because I know that it doesn't mean the terrorizing is over. Turning off the ringer merely postpones the inevitable. And it seems to anger him, causing him to call five or six times the next night.
Today I tried to change the tone of the ring. But I immediately changed it back to the original sound because I don't want any other sound to remind me of him and the three months of torture I've endured. When this is over, I will change it. And then there will be no trace of him in my life. No reminders. No jumping. No anxiety.
I cannot wait to change the ring.
I can't stand the silence in the middle of the night when the phone does not ring. I lay awake in my bed, staring at the shadows, anxiously awaiting the ring. And it doesn't come. And my night has been wasted waiting. For nothing.
Sometimes I turn the ringer off but I am afraid of what comes next. I am afraid of the silence I have created because I know that it doesn't mean the terrorizing is over. Turning off the ringer merely postpones the inevitable. And it seems to anger him, causing him to call five or six times the next night.
Today I tried to change the tone of the ring. But I immediately changed it back to the original sound because I don't want any other sound to remind me of him and the three months of torture I've endured. When this is over, I will change it. And then there will be no trace of him in my life. No reminders. No jumping. No anxiety.
I cannot wait to change the ring.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Affected by the Effects of Stalking
The effects of stalking are often minimized by people on the outside of the experience. But recent studies have shown that the impact on a stalking victim's psychological and emotional well-being is considerable. Many of the effects come from the realignment of one's routine or the implementation of a safety plan. Minor adjustments to your everyday life and the need for heightened awareness can cause tremendous stress. I know. I am going through it right now.
Unfortunately, I have not found a lot of support during this time. Some people still believe, after 11 weeks of phone calls in the middle of the night, that it's just "some kids playing on the phone." Others have said don't pick up the phone anymore. But studies have shown that refusal to indulge a stalker in the early phases of behavior can cause them to escalate that behavior to more uncomfortable or more dangerous scenarios.
On one hand, I understand that others don't understand what is going on in my life. It's not like I have a fatal disease or I've lost a limb. My crisis is intangible. My pain is internal. And when you can't see it, it doesn't seem real. On the other hand, suffering through the last three months alone has pushed me into a place that is small and confining and uncomfortable. It hurts that my family and friends don't understand the seriousness of the crime being committed. And it's disheartening how the police have made me feel like the criminal and not the victim. I cannot wait for this to be over. That said, from what I've read and from what my brother-in-law who is a police officer has told me... It's never really over.
The good news is there is a lot of online support and informational websites are popping up all over. The mental health effects of stalking include forgetfulness, fatigue, lack of concentration and disorganization. The emotional effects are far greater. Stalking victims typically experience guilt, embarrassment, depression, anxiety, lowered self-esteem and post traumatic stress disorder.
Personally, I can tell you that I can't sleep. My eating habits have changed. I am suspicious of everyone and everything seems bigger to me. Things rub me the wrong way that never would have before. I cry ALL the time. I am depressed. (Although, I will give credit to all the other crap in my life for the depression as well. The stalker doesn't get all the accolades for that one.) There are days when I wake up and the first thing I think is, "I can't wait until I can go back to sleep tonight."
Some would advise that I not be so candid. Someone who consistently harasses another person is hoping to control them emotionally or mentally. And by telling the truth, I guess I am admitting that it's working. But I don't care. Why lie about it? It is working. And others need to understand the effects and the consequences of the not knowing and the constant disruption in my life.
If I could teach you three things about stalking through my experience, it would be:
Unfortunately, I have not found a lot of support during this time. Some people still believe, after 11 weeks of phone calls in the middle of the night, that it's just "some kids playing on the phone." Others have said don't pick up the phone anymore. But studies have shown that refusal to indulge a stalker in the early phases of behavior can cause them to escalate that behavior to more uncomfortable or more dangerous scenarios.
On one hand, I understand that others don't understand what is going on in my life. It's not like I have a fatal disease or I've lost a limb. My crisis is intangible. My pain is internal. And when you can't see it, it doesn't seem real. On the other hand, suffering through the last three months alone has pushed me into a place that is small and confining and uncomfortable. It hurts that my family and friends don't understand the seriousness of the crime being committed. And it's disheartening how the police have made me feel like the criminal and not the victim. I cannot wait for this to be over. That said, from what I've read and from what my brother-in-law who is a police officer has told me... It's never really over.
The good news is there is a lot of online support and informational websites are popping up all over. The mental health effects of stalking include forgetfulness, fatigue, lack of concentration and disorganization. The emotional effects are far greater. Stalking victims typically experience guilt, embarrassment, depression, anxiety, lowered self-esteem and post traumatic stress disorder.
Personally, I can tell you that I can't sleep. My eating habits have changed. I am suspicious of everyone and everything seems bigger to me. Things rub me the wrong way that never would have before. I cry ALL the time. I am depressed. (Although, I will give credit to all the other crap in my life for the depression as well. The stalker doesn't get all the accolades for that one.) There are days when I wake up and the first thing I think is, "I can't wait until I can go back to sleep tonight."
Some would advise that I not be so candid. Someone who consistently harasses another person is hoping to control them emotionally or mentally. And by telling the truth, I guess I am admitting that it's working. But I don't care. Why lie about it? It is working. And others need to understand the effects and the consequences of the not knowing and the constant disruption in my life.
If I could teach you three things about stalking through my experience, it would be:
- Stalking dominates & devastates victims' lives. They feel unsafe. They have trouble working & sleeping and feel isolated. The average experience lasts 1.8 years.
- Stalking behavior ranges from annoying & intrusive to dangerous & terrifying. Stalking frequently escalates to violence and often ends in murder.
- You can support stalking victims by listening, showing concern and never blaming the victim
Saturday, May 17, 2008
FAQ about Stalking
courtesy of the state of NY
What is stalking?
Plain and simple, it's unwanted pursuit. Stalking is a crime. Some of the more common behaviors that come to mind include:
What is the best way to deal with a stalker?
People who are being stalked (or think they might be), should try to become very aware of their surroundings. They should avoid all contact with the stalker and make no response to cards, letters, gifts, pleading, or phone calls. They should document everything - with the idea that they might be building a case against the stalker. They should let others know, especially trained law enforcement personnel. An Order of Protection should not be relied upon. It's a good idea to develop a personal safety plan. And people should always trust their instincts.
Is there a "typical" stalker?
Forensic psychologists and researchers have developed classification systems based on stalkers' behavior. In the field of domestic violence, our focus is on what's commonly referred to as "intimate partner" stalking. These stalkers are typically known as "the guys who just won't take 'no' for an answer." These stalkers do all sorts of things to maintain control over their victims, some of which are listed in the first question.
Other categories include "vengeful" (stalkers who are angry with their victims over some real or imagined slight and want to "get even" with them) and "delusional" (stalkers who believe that they are involved in a passionate love affair with the victim, even though they may have never met, e.g. "celebrity stalkers").
Is stalking dangerous?
Yes, extremely. The stalker is someone who is not willing to listen to anyone else and could choose to do anything to the victim. Stalking often occurs over an extended period of time and may result in serious physical and mental health consequences to the victim. Without a swift, strong, consistent criminal justice response, stalkers may feel justified in continuing and even escalating their behavior.
Is stalking a crime? Yes.
What is stalking?
Plain and simple, it's unwanted pursuit. Stalking is a crime. Some of the more common behaviors that come to mind include:
- Following/watching/spying on victims
- Standing outside victims' homes or bothering them at their workplaces
- Taking or vandalizing victims' mail or property
- Harming/threatening to harm/killing pets, and of course,
- Unwanted contact or communications through telephone/mail/page/e-mail to victims or their families, or any third parties with whom the victims are acquainted, including neighbors and co-workers. Even seemingly harmless behaviors such as sending flowers or gifts can be stalking, depending on the context.
What is the best way to deal with a stalker?
People who are being stalked (or think they might be), should try to become very aware of their surroundings. They should avoid all contact with the stalker and make no response to cards, letters, gifts, pleading, or phone calls. They should document everything - with the idea that they might be building a case against the stalker. They should let others know, especially trained law enforcement personnel. An Order of Protection should not be relied upon. It's a good idea to develop a personal safety plan. And people should always trust their instincts.
Is there a "typical" stalker?
Forensic psychologists and researchers have developed classification systems based on stalkers' behavior. In the field of domestic violence, our focus is on what's commonly referred to as "intimate partner" stalking. These stalkers are typically known as "the guys who just won't take 'no' for an answer." These stalkers do all sorts of things to maintain control over their victims, some of which are listed in the first question.
Other categories include "vengeful" (stalkers who are angry with their victims over some real or imagined slight and want to "get even" with them) and "delusional" (stalkers who believe that they are involved in a passionate love affair with the victim, even though they may have never met, e.g. "celebrity stalkers").
Is stalking dangerous?
Yes, extremely. The stalker is someone who is not willing to listen to anyone else and could choose to do anything to the victim. Stalking often occurs over an extended period of time and may result in serious physical and mental health consequences to the victim. Without a swift, strong, consistent criminal justice response, stalkers may feel justified in continuing and even escalating their behavior.
Is stalking a crime? Yes.
Changes
The stalker has made some changes in his method of operation. For a while I believed that the person knew when I was home which possible meant that he was watching me as well as calling me. But two weeks ago a call came in before I had gotten home from a night out with my softball team, dashing the idea that I was being followed. However, last night, I came home early. early for a Friday night when the Cardinals are in town... And the stalker decided to mix it up a little.
The calls came in before 1 AM. So much for consistency. And this time, there were 5 calls over a 30 minute period. FIVE CALLS... not the usual 1 or 2. Again, so much for consistency.
I did a little changing too. I answered the first phone call as usual. "Hello?" followed by silence. But then I realized what time it was and when the second call came, I picked up and said, "Aren't you a little early?" Finally after the fifth call, I lost it. I completely went off. I don't know how the stalker handled that because I turned off the phone after that.
More than the irritation and frustration and twinge of fear I felt last night, I am intrigued this morning. Could this stalker be reading stalkerblog? What other reason could there be for this sudden change in behavior? And does the stalker REALLY know me? Because if he did, he would know that I am not afraid of change. I enjoy spontaneity. Oh yeah... and I have the law on my side.
The calls came in before 1 AM. So much for consistency. And this time, there were 5 calls over a 30 minute period. FIVE CALLS... not the usual 1 or 2. Again, so much for consistency.
I did a little changing too. I answered the first phone call as usual. "Hello?" followed by silence. But then I realized what time it was and when the second call came, I picked up and said, "Aren't you a little early?" Finally after the fifth call, I lost it. I completely went off. I don't know how the stalker handled that because I turned off the phone after that.
More than the irritation and frustration and twinge of fear I felt last night, I am intrigued this morning. Could this stalker be reading stalkerblog? What other reason could there be for this sudden change in behavior? And does the stalker REALLY know me? Because if he did, he would know that I am not afraid of change. I enjoy spontaneity. Oh yeah... and I have the law on my side.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
No Rhyme or Reason
There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the schedule by which my "friendly" phone caller lives. For a while it seemed that most of our contact happened on Sunday nights and Thursday nights but never on Saturdays. And as soon as I thought I had that figured out, I got a Saturday night call. The number of days between calls varies. At one point, there was one whole week without a call and I thought maybe it was finally over. But there was also a three day streak of calls so... no... it ain't over.
Some nights it's one call and done. Other nights, it's one call after another until, I suppose, the caller has satisfied whatever craving is driving this insane behavior.
The only consistency in this "relationship" is the hour of the phone calls: never before 1AM and never after 4AM. As odd as it sounds, I sort of appreciate knowing that when I get a call between 1 and 4AM it's just my caller and not an emergency. At the same time, there are at least 14 hours every day when I am awake that would be more convenient for receiving phone calls. But I'm guessing the caller knows that there's a better chance of catching me if I am already in bed.
I am assuming the object is to keep me guessing, to keep me on my toes, to worry me or scare me. But it's not the uncertainty that causes my mind to work over time. It's not the search for rhyme or reason for the details. It's wondering why me? Why now? What in God's name is the point? And, as much as I hate to ask, what are you getting out of this?
Some nights it's one call and done. Other nights, it's one call after another until, I suppose, the caller has satisfied whatever craving is driving this insane behavior.
The only consistency in this "relationship" is the hour of the phone calls: never before 1AM and never after 4AM. As odd as it sounds, I sort of appreciate knowing that when I get a call between 1 and 4AM it's just my caller and not an emergency. At the same time, there are at least 14 hours every day when I am awake that would be more convenient for receiving phone calls. But I'm guessing the caller knows that there's a better chance of catching me if I am already in bed.
I am assuming the object is to keep me guessing, to keep me on my toes, to worry me or scare me. But it's not the uncertainty that causes my mind to work over time. It's not the search for rhyme or reason for the details. It's wondering why me? Why now? What in God's name is the point? And, as much as I hate to ask, what are you getting out of this?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Getting Help
It seems in the town where I live that you have a better chance of getting help from the police with a crime if you've been shot than if you're being stalked or if your car's been stolen. That is good new for the victims of potentially fatal gunshot wounds. You are at the top of the police department's priority list of citizens to help.
I understand the urgency of violent crime. But I also believe that just as a sin is a sin is a sin, a crime is a crime is a crime. Victims of crime are still victims whether they've been physically injured or mentally and emotionally tortured.
Getting a case number assigned to my harassment or stalking case was nearly impossible initially. Unless I could prove a physical threat to my life, the police really didn't want to be bothered with it. So, as I have often had to do, I sent my father to handle it. Once he was in the room, the officer was a little more cooperative. Who knew that filing a police report would be like buying a car and that being a single woman would put me at a disadvantage? If a single woman has a man calling her in the middle of the night 10-12 times a week, I think it should be assumed that she is in physical danger.
So now, my case has been on the books for three weeks and an investigator has yet to call me. I followed up with the police the other day and was told that they had "higher priorities such as gunshots" on their to-do list and that they'll get to my case "when [they] get to it." REALLY? So, I did what any angry single woman would do... I called my dad and had my dad handle it. And guess what? Four hours later, a detective called.
I thought there were new stalking laws in the state of Missouri that classify this crime as SERIOUS. Maybe I'm wrong. But in this case, I think the assumption should be a threat of physical harm until proven otherwise. And I think the police should be more willing to help. It might not seem serious to them but I thought their job was to PROTECT & SERVE.
I understand the urgency of violent crime. But I also believe that just as a sin is a sin is a sin, a crime is a crime is a crime. Victims of crime are still victims whether they've been physically injured or mentally and emotionally tortured.
Getting a case number assigned to my harassment or stalking case was nearly impossible initially. Unless I could prove a physical threat to my life, the police really didn't want to be bothered with it. So, as I have often had to do, I sent my father to handle it. Once he was in the room, the officer was a little more cooperative. Who knew that filing a police report would be like buying a car and that being a single woman would put me at a disadvantage? If a single woman has a man calling her in the middle of the night 10-12 times a week, I think it should be assumed that she is in physical danger.
So now, my case has been on the books for three weeks and an investigator has yet to call me. I followed up with the police the other day and was told that they had "higher priorities such as gunshots" on their to-do list and that they'll get to my case "when [they] get to it." REALLY? So, I did what any angry single woman would do... I called my dad and had my dad handle it. And guess what? Four hours later, a detective called.
I thought there were new stalking laws in the state of Missouri that classify this crime as SERIOUS. Maybe I'm wrong. But in this case, I think the assumption should be a threat of physical harm until proven otherwise. And I think the police should be more willing to help. It might not seem serious to them but I thought their job was to PROTECT & SERVE.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Can calling be a crime?
The legal classifications for frequent, inappropriate phone calls range from harassment to stalking. So, it starts out as harassment. A prank phone call here or there. It's nothing serious but it's annoying. As it continues over a longer period of time or the frequency increases, it becomes a more serious misdemeanor and once it poses a threat, it is a felony.
The penalties for these crimes vary as well from 15 days in jail to 4 years and a hefty fine.
Calling can be a crime. It's not all fun and games. And intention does not weigh heavier than actions in this case.
The penalties for these crimes vary as well from 15 days in jail to 4 years and a hefty fine.
Calling can be a crime. It's not all fun and games. And intention does not weigh heavier than actions in this case.
Starting at the very beginning...
Eight weeks ago, the phone calls started. I don't know if the first time was really a wrong number or just an effort to see if I was home or really living here. Perhaps it started out as a joke. Or maybe this person is seriously obsessed with me or my family. Either way, it was the beginning of what has become a royal pain in my ass.
Some weeks, I get two or three calls. Other weeks, I get five to ten calls. And they come at the most inopportune times. The first couple of weeks, I was a little frightened. Now, I am just pissed off and I want it to stop.
Some weeks, I get two or three calls. Other weeks, I get five to ten calls. And they come at the most inopportune times. The first couple of weeks, I was a little frightened. Now, I am just pissed off and I want it to stop.
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