Affected by the Effects of Stalking

The effects of stalking are often minimized by people on the outside of the experience. But recent studies have shown that the impact on a stalking victim's psychological and emotional well-being is considerable. Many of the effects come from the realignment of one's routine or the implementation of a safety plan. Minor adjustments to your everyday life and the need for heightened awareness can cause tremendous stress. I know. I am going through it right now.

Unfortunately, I have not found a lot of support during this time. Some people still believe, after 11 weeks of phone calls in the middle of the night, that it's just "some kids playing on the phone." Others have said don't pick up the phone anymore. But studies have shown that refusal to indulge a stalker in the early phases of behavior can cause them to escalate that behavior to more uncomfortable or more dangerous scenarios.

On one hand, I understand that others don't understand what is going on in my life. It's not like I have a fatal disease or I've lost a limb. My crisis is intangible. My pain is internal. And when you can't see it, it doesn't seem real. On the other hand, suffering through the last three months alone has pushed me into a place that is small and confining and uncomfortable. It hurts that my family and friends don't understand the seriousness of the crime being committed. And it's disheartening how the police have made me feel like the criminal and not the victim. I cannot wait for this to be over. That said, from what I've read and from what my brother-in-law who is a police officer has told me... It's never really over.

The good news is there is a lot of online support and informational websites are popping up all over. The mental health effects of stalking include forgetfulness, fatigue, lack of concentration and disorganization. The emotional effects are far greater. Stalking victims typically experience guilt, embarrassment, depression, anxiety, lowered self-esteem and post traumatic stress disorder.

Personally, I can tell you that I can't sleep. My eating habits have changed. I am suspicious of everyone and everything seems bigger to me. Things rub me the wrong way that never would have before. I cry ALL the time. I am depressed. (Although, I will give credit to all the other crap in my life for the depression as well. The stalker doesn't get all the accolades for that one.) There are days when I wake up and the first thing I think is, "I can't wait until I can go back to sleep tonight."

Some would advise that I not be so candid. Someone who consistently harasses another person is hoping to control them emotionally or mentally. And by telling the truth, I guess I am admitting that it's working. But I don't care. Why lie about it? It is working. And others need to understand the effects and the consequences of the not knowing and the constant disruption in my life.
If I could teach you three things about stalking through my experience, it would be:

• Stalking dominates & devastates victims' lives. They feel unsafe. They have trouble working & sleeping and feel isolated. The average experience lasts 1.8 years.
  
• Stalking behavior ranges from annoying & intrusive to dangerous & terrifying. Stalking frequently escalates to violence and often ends in murder.
  
• You can support stalking victims by listening, showing concern and never blaming the victim

FAQ about Stalking

courtesy of the state of NY

What is stalking?
Plain and simple, it's unwanted pursuit. Stalking is a crime. Some of the more common behaviors that come to mind include:

• Following/watching/spying on victims
• Standing outside victims' homes or bothering them at their workplaces
• Taking or vandalizing victims' mail or property
• Harming/threatening to harm/killing pets, and of course,
• Unwanted contact or communications through telephone/mail/page/e-mail to victims or their families, or any third parties with whom the victims are acquainted, including neighbors and co-workers. Even seemingly harmless behaviors such as sending flowers or gifts can be stalking, depending on the context.

What is the best way to deal with a stalker?

People who are being stalked (or think they might be), should try to become very aware of their surroundings. They should avoid all contact with the stalker and make no response to cards, letters, gifts, pleading, or phone calls. They should document everything - with the idea that they might be building a case against the stalker. They should let others know, especially trained law enforcement personnel. An Order of Protection should not be relied upon. It's a good idea to develop a personal safety plan. And people should always trust their instincts.

Is there a "typical" stalker?

Forensic psychologists and researchers have developed classification systems based on stalkers' behavior. In the field of domestic violence, our focus is on what's commonly referred to as "intimate partner" stalking. These stalkers are typically known as "the guys who just won't take 'no' for an answer." These stalkers do all sorts of things to maintain control over their victims, some of which are listed in the first question.
Other categories include "vengeful" (stalkers who are angry with their victims over some real or imagined slight and want to "get even" with them) and "delusional" (stalkers who believe that they are involved in a passionate love affair with the victim, even though they may have never met, e.g. "celebrity stalkers").

Is stalking dangerous?

Yes, extremely. The stalker is someone who is not willing to listen to anyone else and could choose to do anything to the victim. Stalking often occurs over an extended period of time and may result in serious physical and mental health consequences to the victim. Without a swift, strong, consistent criminal justice response, stalkers may feel justified in continuing and even escalating their behavior.

Is stalking a crime? Yes.

Changes

The stalker has made some changes in his method of operation. For a while I believed that the person knew when I was home which possible meant that he was watching me as well as calling me. But two weeks ago a call came in before I had gotten home from a night out with my softball team, dashing the idea that I was being followed. However, last night, I came home early. early for a Friday night when the Cardinals are in town... And the stalker decided to mix it up a little.

The calls came in before 1 AM. So much for consistency. And this time, there were 5 calls over a 30 minute period. FIVE CALLS... not the usual 1 or 2. Again, so much for consistency.

I did a little changing too. I answered the first phone call as usual. "Hello?" followed by silence. But then I realized what time it was and when the second call came, I picked up and said, "Aren't you a little early?" Finally after the fifth call, I lost it. I completely went off. I don't know how the stalker handled that because I turned off the phone after that.

More than the irritation and frustration and twinge of fear I felt last night, I am intrigued this morning. Could this stalker be reading stalkerblog? What other reason could there be for this sudden change in behavior? And does the stalker REALLY know me? Because if he did, he would know that I am not afraid of change. I enjoy spontaneity. Oh yeah... and I have the law on my side.

No Rhyme or Reason

There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the schedule by which my "friendly" phone caller lives. For a while it seemed that most of our contact happened on Sunday nights and Thursday nights but never on Saturdays. And as soon as I thought I had that figured out, I got a Saturday night call. The number of days between calls varies. At one point, there was one whole week without a call and I thought maybe it was finally over. But there was also a three day streak of calls so... no... it ain't over.

Some nights it's one call and done. Other nights, it's one call after another until, I suppose, the caller has satisfied whatever craving is driving this insane behavior.

The only consistency in this "relationship" is the hour of the phone calls: never before 1AM and never after 4AM. As odd as it sounds, I sort of appreciate knowing that when I get a call between 1 and 4AM it's just my caller and not an emergency. At the same time, there are at least 14 hours every day when I am awake that would be more convenient for receiving phone calls. But I'm guessing the caller knows that there's a better chance of catching me if I am already in bed.

I am assuming the object is to keep me guessing, to keep me on my toes, to worry me or scare me. But it's not the uncertainty that causes my mind to work over time. It's not the search for rhyme or reason for the details. It's wondering why me? Why now? What in God's name is the point? And, as much as I hate to ask, what are you getting out of this?

Getting Help

It seems in the town where I live that you have a better chance of getting help from the police with a crime if you've been shot than if you're being stalked or if your car's been stolen. That is good new for the victims of potentially fatal gunshot wounds. You are at the top of the police department's priority list of citizens to help.

I understand the urgency of violent crime. But I also believe that just as a sin is a sin is a sin, a crime is a crime is a crime. Victims of crime are still victims whether they've been physically injured or mentally and emotionally tortured.

Getting a case number assigned to my harassment or stalking case was nearly impossible initially. Unless I could prove a physical threat to my life, the police really didn't want to be bothered with it. So, as I have often had to do, I sent my father to handle it. Once he was in the room, the officer was a little more cooperative. Who knew that filing a police report would be like buying a car and that being a single woman would put me at a disadvantage? If a single woman has a man calling her in the middle of the night 10-12 times a week, I think it should be assumed that she is in physical danger.

So now, my case has been on the books for three weeks and an investigator has yet to call me. I followed up with the police the other day and was told that they had "higher priorities such as gunshots" on their to-do list and that they'll get to my case "when [they] get to it." REALLY? So, I did what any angry single woman would do... I called my dad and had my dad handle it. And guess what? Four hours later, a detective called.

I thought there were new stalking laws in the state of Missouri that classify this crime as SERIOUS. Maybe I'm wrong. But in this case, I think the assumption should be a threat of physical harm until proven otherwise. And I think the police should be more willing to help. It might not seem serious to them but I thought their job was to PROTECT & SERVE.